The Friend's Boyfriend Scale
I was at brunch with my two of my girl friends (this was on a weekday; we call it our Networking & Collaboration Lunch) and it had just been National Boyfriend Day. I was talking about how surprised I was that all my friends' boyfriends are good this year, like, actually good. Some of them traded up, others of them domesticated their existing guy, and others still (from my perspective) tripped and fell into a really nice relationship. Except for one—she knows who she is because I've read her and him to filth, but even though she doesn't read this blog I'll be kind and not elaborate.
I'm not a ranker. Tier lists make me roll my eyes. But I wondered: I'm obviously judging these men I barely know and talk with, according to criteria which obviously exist but I don't process consciously. So I searched within myself to figure out why my opinion of one guy improved over the past year, or why I think one guy is a better boyfriend than another guy. This isn't about their appeal as boyfriends, to be clear: this is about their appeal as your friend's boyfriend, someone who mostly exists in the peripheral of your visible social cosmos. This is what I came up with.
Useful Around House: I was at a birthday party where, although I was good friends with the girl, I barely knew the rest of the group (because they were mostly from the boyfriend's friend group, with whom my friend had sort-of integrated). We had all gotten there before my friend and her boyfriend arrived because it was a surprise party, and I learned that the boyfriend had tasked this other girl in his group to decorate and prepare the apartment. I started helping her as soon as I arrived, and very quickly was annoyed at how her lazy-ass boyfriend and some other guy were just sitting on the couch talking about AI and sports gambling and phone fighting games. Except for that my friend's boyfriend was grilling carne asana—which on one hand I don't want to discount the effort, but on the other hand I don't think a guy goes out of his way to grill—I would have withheld from every man in this situation 1 star. Compare with another birthday party. I didn't realize until after that the boyfriend had baked the cake because he does really nice patisserie as a hobby, but he didn't make the party about him. The whole time, as well, he was very attentive to his girlfriend's (my friend's) friends and checked if we needed anything. That whole thing netted him at least 3 stars, the other 2 of which you can surmise below.
Attractive/Confident: Oh no, I'm superficial and vain! This isn't about there being some objective measure to attractiveness, or about the boyfriend being attractive in my own eyes. This is about the guy putting effort into himself and carrying himself confidently. Two friends started dating about a year and a half ago. The guy was cute before, but then (with much help and encouragement from the girl) he started styling himself—his clothes, his hair, his glasses—and became CUTE in all capitals. The opposite end of the spectrum is a guy who's almost repulsive in his non-caring. Nothing wrong necessarily with a blue-collar white guy, but one time my partner's cousin brought her new boyfriend to dinner and he wasn't cute, he dressed like shit, and he thought men don't eat vegetables (we had literally just made stir-fry with onions, maybe broccoli). At some point the lack of effort is so embarrassing it reflects poorly on my friend or acquaintance. Like, you're attracted to him? And he smells like literal ass?
Considerate of Others: Sometimes I'm deployed as a boyfriend sniff test. One time, my friend invited me to get boba and watch a movie at her place. My Machiavellian tendencies are such that I don't just enjoy gossip, but being an active participant in social situations where I am an outsider, so of course I said yes. So we went to the boba place. I don't actually like boba that much, so I usually order an iced mocha or other latte type thing. Have you ever been asked if you want your mocha to be dark or white chocolate? I guess it's a real question; I just always thought dark was the default. Anyway. They're both socially awkward people, and my friend was sat in the chair next to the wall. When they called us up to get our drinks, the boyfriend didn't move, and my friend didn't either, so I got up and picked up all three of our drinks, and after I got to the counter my friend managed to slip out of her chair. Boyfriend stayed sat. Big red buzzer. He also picked the movie we watched which on one hand is sort-of fine, because my friend is too awkward and I was quiet because I wanted to see what those two would do, but he also picked some fucking action movie. Whatever.
Has Creative Hobby: I feel like a lot of guys consume media in their free time. Or gamble. Maybe most people do, except anecdotally my partner and most of my female friends have various creative hobbies. So when a guy has a hobby through which he's able to express himself or practice a craft that he isn't trying to turn into a hustle, that's both really neat and demonstrates some thoughtful interiority on his part. Provided that he isn't some sort of freak.
Can Hold Conversation: This one is almost a bonus point because I don't really talk to the boyfriends unless all three of us had been mutual friends. But when the boyfriend can hold a conversation? Very pleasant surprise! I actually had a really nice conversation with one of the guys at my friend's birthday party who I thought was being a lazy-ass, but he turned out to be a total girl-dad for a very sweet looking puppy. It's interactions like those that re-frame first impressions and make me feel like I can give the benefit of the doubt; this was especially because I noticed in conversation he often apologized and shit, which made me realize he's someone who's worried about taking up space. People are nuanced. I guess.
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